


champagne for my real friends (real pain for my sham friends)

by agentlithium



Series: hurt prone [1]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Gen, Multi, Post 4x22, edward nygma is a loser ass incel, napkins is Canceled, oswald and lee need to be best friends immediately
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 01:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15546603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentlithium/pseuds/agentlithium
Summary: oswald and lee have a much-needed chat.





	champagne for my real friends (real pain for my sham friends)

**Author's Note:**

> I just want oswald and lee to thrive without fuckward riddlediddle ruinning everything is that too much to ask??
> 
> edit: yes I changed the title to a fall out boy song what’s it to ya

Lee gradually woke from her deep slumber. Her limbs felt incredibly heavy and a gnawing ache tore through her abdomen. She couldn’t move a muscle, no matter how hard she tried. Everything was encompassed in a buzzing numbness. Even breathing was laborious. She hardly remembered what had transpired before this. All she could recall was a vague memory of the final confrontation between her and Ed. A sudden spike of anger sent her body rigid.  _ That bastard. _ Once she figured out where the fuck she was, she would find him and kill him— if he wasn’t already dead, that is.

After a momentary struggle, she forced her eyes open. This didn’t give her any insight as to where she was. Through blurred vision, she saw a fairly standard room, perhaps an office. The wallpaper was dark green and the only source of light was an old-fashioned lamp flickering dimly in the corner. A leather belt over her chest held her down. She was sure as hell not in the Narrows now. Then, to her right, she spotted Ed. He was unconscious, lying bound on a gurney, not unlike the one Lee was strapped to herself. She squirmed until she could pull her arms free and work the belt loose. Her legs were stiff and unable to support her body weight once she attempted to stand. She wondered how long she was out for. She stumbled over to Ed. He was ashen and pale, but clearly alive. Lee wanted nothing more than to reach out and strangle him. He was vulnerable and helpless. No one was around to see or stop her. That jab of anger morphed into a bubbling rage the longer she stared at Ed’s sleeping face. Was she really prepared to kill a man in cold blood with her bare hands? Yes, yes she was.

To her dismay, the door suddenly swung open before she could make her move.

“Christ— you’re awake already?” a large man Lee didn’t recognize appeared to have been startled by her. He quickly regained his stony composure.

“Where am I? Who brought me here?” she questioned immediately. Her voice came out dry and cracked. The man cleared his throat.

“I’ll take you to the boss. He’ll answer all your questions.” He gestured for Lee to follow him out. She squared her shoulders, brushed her hair from her face, and hobbled along after him.

They wandered through weaving hallways lined with doors. It didn’t take long for Lee to realize that they were in city hall, or at least its empty shell. It looked as if everyone had just vanished. Papers scattered the floor, files sat open on desktops. The next thing she noticed was the silence. Besides her escort’s shoes on the marble tiles preceding her own shuffling footfall, it was dead quiet. Gotham was usually teeming with cacophonous sound. There wasn’t even the customary roar of bustling traffic outside.

Eventually, they turned into one of the rooms. Lee, still weak and exhausted, had to brace herself on the doorframe after their brief walk. While she caught her breath, she heard an all too familiar giggle.

“Welcome back to the world of the living! Glad to see you up and about so soon.” 

Lee snapped to attention.

“Oswald?”

He was leaning back in his chair, legs crossed at the knee. He sported his customary expensive suit, never one to forgo extravagance. His hair was styled straight up off his face, allowing Lee to take notice of his subtle eye makeup.

“How observant you are. How are you feeling?”

“Like shit. What did you do to me?”

“Okay, we’ll get right into the questions then. Come, sit down,” he pointed to the chair across from him. Lee pushed herself forward and clumsily made her way over, grateful to be sitting again.

“I’d offer you something to drink, but all we have is bottled water and we’re trying to make our supplies last as long as possible. You understand.”

“I really don’t.”

“Oh, yes, I’d imagine so. You missed all the fun.”

“What happened?”

“While you and Ed were reenacting your bootleg production of  _ Romeo and Juliet _ , Jeremiah Valeska blew up all the bridges surrounding the city, and we few were left behind. We are now completely cut off from the outside world.”

Lee’s stomach sank. She thought that someone somehow would’ve stopped Jeremiah from carrying out his plans. Jim, Bruce, anybody else with a penchant for meddling in matters far bigger than they are really equipped to handle. Hell, even Oswald. She truly believed that someone would’ve stepped in and saved the city, pulling victory from the jaws of defeat at the very last minute. That’s what always seemed to happen, but after that many close calls, they were bound to lose eventually.

“Who was left behind?” she asked.

“I can’t be sure. I haven’t been outside much, but I’ve heard that Jim Gordon stuck around— of course— and Barbara Kean and her band of lesbian ninjas started a women-only club on the other side of town. Oh, and a few of my men say they spotted Firefly and Fries running around somewhere. Those are the only people of note. Most of the common folk hightailed it out of here long ago. Things are very tense at the moment. With no law or order, we are all embroiled in this sort of turf war. Everyone is scrambling for power and resources. It’s a mess if I’m being honest.” Lee nodded, taking in this information.

“And you still took the time and effort to piece together a whole outfit?” she raised an eyebrow.

“Well, you always have to look your best,” Oswald replied with a tight smile. “Within the past few weeks, everything has gone to hell. Cobbling a decent outfit together is the least of my concerns, but you take what little joys you can.”

_ I’ve missed a lot while I was out, _ she thought.

“What about me and Ed? How did we end up here?”

“Some little street urchin stumbled upon your lifeless bodies and handed them over to us. I had Strange fix you two up since he is quite talented and bringing people back from the dead. I can’t believe the whole procedure went as well as it did.”

Lee didn’t know how to react to the sudden flood of emotions. She had narrowly escaped death with only Oswald to thank, but then again, her life was placed in the hands of  _ Hugo Strange? _

“Strange? How can you be sure he didn’t experiment on me or something?”

“Wow, you’re so welcome,” Oswald scoffed. Lee rolled her eyes.

“But why help us at all? We didn’t leave off on good terms last we met.”

“Maybe because I’m not a backstabbing traitor like the rest of you?”

She gave him a very stern look.

“Fine,” Oswald huffed. “I don’t know, I thought holding this over you would prove useful to me when asking for future favours.”

“Really? If I were to take a guess, it would have something to do with your feelings toward—”

Oswald put his hand up to stop her. He drew a hissing breath through clenched teeth.

“Please, whatever there was between Ed and me is over. The only regret I hold onto is the time I wasted pining over a loser like him and I trust you feel the same.”

“I wanted to help him become a better man. I regret not being able to deliver on my promise,” Lee sighed.

“Ed is a manipulative lunatic. He stabbed you, for Christ’s sake. And also, didn’t he literally ruin your life like two years ago? No offense, but you were foolish to assume the man who killed your friend and framed your fiancé for murder would change for anyone.”

“Everyone deserves a chance. There’s nothing foolish about being kind or forgiving.”

“I gave Ed every chance in the world. After he took everything from me, shot me, left me for dead, betrayed me whenever he could, I was still prepared to forgive him. I would’ve thrown myself in his arms, but Ed never changed. He’s motivated only by his own selfish need. Do you actually think he loved you? He just wanted whatever attention you were willing to give him. And if he did love you, why would he want to hurt you?” 

“If you loved him, why did you hurt him?”

Oswald’s expression of disdain softened. His confidence visibly faltered.

“I acknowledge that what I did was wrong. It was stupid and childish and I paid for my mistake dearly. I lost my only friend, but nevertheless, it has shown me who Ed really is. If I hadn’t done what I did, he would’ve either killed her or left me in time.” He quickly adjusted his posture, nose raised in the air.

“And I had no malicious intent towards him. He wanted to murder you. There’s the difference.”

Though she hated to admit it, Oswald was right. Not in justifying murder, but with regards to Ed, how he would never change. Lee only wanted to rehabilitate him. She believed that, deep down, he was still the same man he was when they met when, in reality, he was never that man. He had always harboured this self-absorbed monster, only now he had given in to it. His feeble ego, his narcissism, his destructive tendencies were never begging to be fixed, he just wanted someone’s empathy, a new thing to tear apart and abuse.

“Why do you do this to yourself, Leslie? Why do you pour yourself into people who only wish to throw you aside when your usefulness has run out?”

“I don’t know why I do it. Maybe it’s the doctor in me,” Lee laughed lightly, sadly. “I want to help everyone.”

“How about you try taking care of yourself first. I suppose I can’t say much. Believe it or not, I’m no stranger to heartbreak. I just never learn. And still, no matter how many times it happens, it never stops hurting.”

“That was surprisingly profound, Oswald.”

“Thank you, I try,” he grinned. “You know, I’ve always had respect for you, Doctor Thompkins. Not to mention you and I seem to have the same taste in men, judging by our respective track records: emotionally unstable and a lot more trouble than they’re worth.”

“Apparently.” 

Oswald paused there for some time, waiting before speaking again.

“Did you love him?” he asked.

“Ed?”

“Yes.”

“No. Not at all. I didn’t even like him, come to think of it. I guess I just felt bad for him? Like I’d lead him on and it was sort of too late to back out.” In response to this, Oswald actually gasped.

“Oh, Leslie, no. You didn’t put yourself through all of that just for a pity fuck, did you? Please tell me you didn’t.”

“No, well, yes, but—” 

Oswald leaned forward.

“No one is entitled to your time or your affections. You shouldn’t feel guilty for expressing this.”

“I know that.”

“Do you? You try so hard to present yourself as this ‘take no shit, give no fucks’ hardass, but you still let people walk all over you. I know I’m not the ideal source of life advice, but maybe you should start actually standing up for yourself so everyone will stop thinking you’re all talk.”

Lee did not appreciate being criticized by the biggest pushover in Gotham, no matter how well-intended or constructive it may be. Maybe Oswald being punked at seemingly every turn was a good reason to take his advice. He spoke from experience.

“God, how could I have let Edward Nygma play me?” Lee rested her head in her hand. 

“I ask myself the same question every day.”

“I know we were friends once, but not anymore, not after everything he did. I shouldn’t have even agreed to help him in the first place. He didn’t deserve it.”

“You’re preaching to the converted.”

“He robbed a few banks for me, sure, but what else did he do? He was just dead weight, a parasite I was willingly carrying around.” Lee found her voice was raising in incredulous bewilderment.

“I can relate.”

“I helped his sorry ass and how did he thank me? By disrespecting and attempting to murder me.”

“Succeeding to murder you, actually.”

“He treated me like I belonged to him or something, like he had any right to control me. I could’ve thrown him to the dogs. That’s what I should’ve done.”

“You could kill him now if you wanted. No one would find out,” Oswald added.

“No, I want him to live out his life in abject misery. I’ll make sure that he will never know happiness again.”

“Oh, how dark. I love it.”

“I just feel like such an idiot.”

“Edward makes everyone feel that way.”

“He isn’t that smart.”

“Of course not. He’s an obsessive. You feel stupid because he used some meaningless words to trick you into thinking he knows what he’s doing. He just follows the same set formula. Once you figure out the pattern to his actions, he’s impossibly easy to take down,” Oswald flicked his wrist nonchalantly.

“And it’s almost guaranteed he’ll seek you out when he wakes up and when he does, just talk down to him like he’s a child acting out in a store. Don’t treat him as an equal. Attack his confidence. It’s all he has.”

“I’m aware. He’s always been kind of desperate for validation. However, I doubt he’s gonna give me much trouble since I put a knife in his gut.”

“You would be surprised to find out how brainless he is. If he’s really that invested, he will never stop bothering you.”

“Like how he is with you? He can’t seem to leave you be.” Oswald chuckled.

“Ed doesn’t know what he wants, but I can assure you that he only wants me around when he needs something. He’s a leech and yet, I still take him back.”

“You miss him. He definitely misses you.”

“Do you really think so?” his tone was sarcastic, but Lee knew he was genuinely asking.

“You said it yourself, he’s an obsessive. He can’t just let you go.”

Oswald shook his head. He didn’t believe her, or he didn’t want to believe her. It was much easier to brush these things off, distance yourself, and forget.

“We’ll see how attached he is to me once he wakes up. Anyway, I do hope he’s in your past, for your own sake. Edward brings nothing but misery to everyone in his life. You are a beautiful and highly intelligent woman and you can do so much better. You can have any man or woman you so choose,” he smiled.

“Thank you, Oswald. And while you are a violent criminal with a target constantly on your back, living in one of the most outrageously dangerous cities in the world, there’s definitely a man out there for you somewhere,” Lee smiled back at him. “You do carry a certain charm, although I’m not sure it’s really for everyone. Ed couldn’t have kept up with you, considering he could hardly deal with a woman who dares to challenge him at all.”

“I’m starting to believe Ed can’t keep up with anyone. If he wants some perfect 10 who strokes his inflated ego, showers him with praise, and completely submits to him, he can probably find one who charges a reasonable nightly rate too.”

“Oh, I hope not. No one else should have to put up with him, not for love nor money.”

“You’re absolutely right. God help the next poor girl to get tied up with him.”

Things began to devolve from there. Their somewhat civil conversation quickly turned into a verbal beatdown of the absent Edward Nygma.

“He’s not even that attractive,” said Oswald. “You could land a plane on his forehead.”

“It’s more like a five-head,” said Lee.

“He dresses like a chemistry professor on meth.”

“He looks like if a gecko wished he was human.”

“He looks like the kind of guy to stab someone for turning him down because he literally is that guy.”

Unbeknownst to the new friends, the sounds of this bonding experience carried through the empty halls. Their laughter and insults rang loud and proud and directly to the ears of their mutual enemy, the subject of their abuse. Still dizzy and delirious from his recent awakening, he followed the noise as best he could and was now leaning against the wall just outside. He didn’t step in to confront them or make them regret those words, he just stayed there and listened.

“I’m gonna say it: I would rather get back with Jim than deal with Ed again. At least Jim was somewhat tolerable, albeit very emotionally constipated.”

“That’s incredibly bold of you, Leslie. Honestly, I’m a bit desperate for love—”

“That’s an understatement.”

“Yes, yes, I know, but even so, I don’t think I could take Ed back. I’m pathetic, but not that pathetic.”

“I’m only surprised you didn’t come to this realization earlier. I guess I didn’t either. Ed isn’t capable of love.”

Ed wanted to deny this remark. He loved Lee and, in a way, he loved Oswald. He hurt them because they deserved it for wronging him. They deserved everything they got, didn’t they? Even if they forgave him his past transgressions, they deserved it all. Ed tried to convince himself that they were the ones in the wrong, not him, but the seeds of doubt had already been planted. For all the compassion they had shown him, how had he shown his gratitude? His love wasn’t pure, of course, but it was dedicated and consuming and confusing and uncomfortable and agonizing and destructive and selfish and violent...

They were right. Everyone else was right. Ed couldn’t love. He couldn’t hold without hurting. He left a trail of pain and broken pieces wherever he went, from victim to victim.

He slowly got his footing and started off down the corridor. He couldn’t listen anymore.

“I hope I never see him again.”

**Author's Note:**

> and even after this uplifting and empowering talk, you know oswald's still a goddamn fool for ed til the end.
> 
> anyway hoped u liked this lads im going to bed


End file.
